Katesssy

I was with my boyfriend at his house with some friends after a night of them partying at his house (which I was not there for). Our friend mentions that he still needs to pay so-and-so back for the coke, and proceeds to keep talking about it. I realize then that my bf completely avoided telling me that at his party they weren’t just drinking and smoking. Am I in the wrong for not being told this? Personally, I am okay with them doing whatever drugs to some extent, this is college, it’s a time to experiment with life. I’ve known these people for some time now and I know they are pretty mature people. However, seriously. I feel hurt that he felt like he needed to keep that from me. 

Flash forward to Monday morning. I spend another night there to spend more time with him before he has to leave for work at 7, but at 6:15 in the morning he gets a call from his friend who lives downstairs to… “HANG OUT.” Yeah, right. For 20 effing minutes? That is complete bull. I am visiting you and you are leaving for work, you can hang out with him when you get back since I am the one that doesn’t live in your city!

I don’t expect to know every single detail of your parties, or what you did Monday or Tuesday night. However, if he has to specifically leave out details because he doesn’t know how to tell me or doesn’t want to, I am going to feel hurt. It’s been hard for me to open up to people and to express myself - I am still trying for goodness sakes. I want our relationship to have trust and openness in it, and I thought we had that. Then again, I know we still do, but whenever it comes to things like this, I feel left out of the loop a little. 

Oh, by the way…after he left for work, I stayed in to sleep a little longer, but instead I heard his roommate having LOUD sex in the room next to mine. Great way to end my weekend. 

Living an hour and a half away from your boyfriend is considered long-distance, right? I think so; I mean, most of our communicating is done over the phone. Either way, within the past four weeks, we’ve seen each other three of those weeks. I’ve gotten used to seeing him sooner rather than waiting three weeks. However, it’s helping me realize how much I truly love his presence. He is honestly the sweetest human-being around, and I know I am never going to take that back. Whether he breaks my heart or not, I know his intentions will always be good.  

The thing that’s really eating me up though is I’m not as conversational as he is. I say these words in my mind that will not jump out. They stay with me until I’ve held them in too long. I think about how I want to tell him everything he is to me, and then I look at him, and fear takes over. I am not scared of his reaction at all either, it’s only me being scared to open up. But just to give me some encouragement.. I have made it this far. I told him everything, about he was my first kiss, my first everything. That I have never felt this way about another guy before. It’s time I open up and not let this get in the way. 

It’s funny how as times passes, we look back at old things, and it’s then that you realize what they really mean.